People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
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Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.