Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
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:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Nothing.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.