When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
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Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Lol
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
a god among men
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!