did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
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My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Chemical wingman
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”