If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
You Might Also Like
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Sponch
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Same post same
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.