In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
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My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?