“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
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[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.