me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
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What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.