Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
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me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.