My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
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Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
“i miss shittin on people”
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one