We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
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The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.