Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
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Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
i prefer mine room temperature.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.