Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
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*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
What’s this sorcery? 😂
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL