Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
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You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
good let them take over I have had enough
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.