Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
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WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Maths meets science
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*