My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
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Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.