What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
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*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.