a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
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Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me