Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
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When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation