Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
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The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.