*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
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Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
This headline is a thing of beauty
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.