Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
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I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.