Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
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Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*