My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~