HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
You Might Also Like
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.