My support group can outdrink your support group.
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Sing it!
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
i actually laughed 😩
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.