If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
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YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.