Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
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“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
constantly working on myself.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.