Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Rambo Rambow
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.