Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
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Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
sliding into dms like
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Me if I was a dog
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.