I…do not understand how electricity works.
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A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
The Joker was right
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
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We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year