me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
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Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.