The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
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Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour