In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
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You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.