Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
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Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?