I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
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Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
That de-escalated quickly