Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
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An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
A ghost story
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.