I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
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I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
No. He’s not coming out to play
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
accurate
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension