I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
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ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
not to brag, but mine was free
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.