Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
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I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
God, I love Scotland
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*