If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
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It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Always the camel, never the toe.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”