“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
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ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
We’re all getting idioter.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Damn he played himself
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*