There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
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Pot warmers of the day.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
it’s finally my moment to shine
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*