My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
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First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.