I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
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A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us