*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
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Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.