*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
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*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.