ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
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When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Happy Halloween 🎃
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent