[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
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Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Science memes
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.