New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
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Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Thank you corporation very cool
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.